Biting Life

I guess it’s time for the serious talk. I’ve been trying to hide it as best as possible, but it’s time to tell the truth…

I haven’t been doing so great lately.

The combination of the extra foot pain from the EPAT therapy, moving into a new apartment where I don’t have a lot to do, and the stress of taking five 300-level courses has been a lot to deal with.

I’ve always had problems with depression (as well as anxiety), but it hasn’t been around to “visit” since my freshman year of college, so I thought I was kind of over it. I thought… maybe having depression is just a phase and now it’s done. But with everything going on lately, I’ve been feeling more and more like I did two years ago. I’ve been experiencing the tell-tale symptoms and I really can’t ignore it anymore.

The other day, I stayed in bed for hours… just laying there. I couldn’t make myself get up. I didn’t want to do anything at all besides lay there. Brent got really worried when he saw how badly it was affecting me. Because I hate seeing how upset he gets, I’m trying to handle it more head-on, instead of keeping on pretending like it’s not there. I don’t like him getting upset, but it’s good in that it motivated me to try to fix the problem.

Being depressed lately has hit me especially hard in the health area. The depression has been causing me to not eat as healthily as I would like and I never feel like going to the gym anymore. This morning was the first time I went to the gym in over a month. I’m really proud of myself for that. But I feel horrible that it’s been so long! I’m supposed to be this healthy living person over here on the blog, but I haven’t even been able to practice what I preach.

I’ve gained weight and I hate that so much. I can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror – I really try not to.

If I’m really honest here… I’m scared that my feet will never get better, and that I’ll never be able to lose weight like I did before this started.

Those 40 pounds that I lost last year gave me a lot of newfound confidence. Losing the weight made me realize that I really can do it. But everything has spiraled out of control since November, back when my feet started getting a lot worse. If the EPAT doesn’t work, the doctor still might not do surgery because it’s so risky. Obviously I don’t want to have a risky procedure, but at the same time I can’t imagine having to live like a cripple for the rest of my life. I don’t understand what I did wrong to deserve this and I don’t know why this is happening to me. I’m so upset and I’m so terrified

And I’m mad. I look at this picture from last year:

I want to be that again. I was hot.

Then I compare it to this recent picture and I’m absolutely disgusted with myself. Not to mention the fact that I’m sitting in a fucking wheelchair.

There’s really a point to all of this. I guess I’m just showing you guys that everything isn’t perfect over here. I’m not happy and I’m not really okay. But I’m trying really hard. I want to get better so badly – both in my body and in my feet. More than ever, I really need your support.

Now that all of that’s been said….

Based on what I just talked about above, I went all out this week on produce! I made sure that a gigantic portion of my grocery cart was filled with fresh fruits and veggies. I want to be so bombarded with healthy choices that it’s impossible to choose anything else.

PRODUCE (Stop & Shop):

• Romaine Lettuce – $1.99/each
• Broccoli Slaw – $1.50
• Cherries (1.1lbs) – $3.99/lb
• Baby Carrots – 3/$5
• Zucchini & Summer Squash – $1.69/lb
• Lemons (5) – $2.99
• Tomato – $1.99/lb
• (un-pictured) Russet Potatoes 10lb bag – $4.99

PRODUCE (Shaw’s):

• Cantaloupe - $1.99/each
• (un-pictured) Watermelon – $3.99/each

MEAT & DAIRY (Stop&Shop):

• Milk – $3.49
• Sargento Shredded Cheese (RF Mozzarella & RF Cheddar) – 2/$4
• Ground Turkey (1lb) – $3.49
• Chicken Breast (3/4lb) – $3.69
• Sliced Mozzarella Cheese – $2.50
• Tilapia (3/4lb) – $6.99/lb

MEAT & DAIRY (Shaw’s):

• Deli Honey Ham (3/4lb) – $4.99/lb
• Eggs (2 dozen) – $0.99/each

OTHER (Stop&Shop):

• Kosher Salt – $0.89
• Bread Crumbs – $2.00
• Honey – $2.00
• Crushed Tomatoes – $0.88
• Sub Rolls – $2.50
• Hot Dog Rolls & Hamburger Buns – $1.25/each

OTHER (Shaw’s):

• Kellogg’s Cocoa Krispies – $1.99
• (un-pictured) Creamy Chicken Ramen Noodles – $0.33/each

TOTAL GROCERY COST: $72.92 ($2.08 under budget!)

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